A couple of years ago, I was down at the farmhouse, reading the local Buckingham County paper (free with purchase of six bales of hay), and there was an article written by a teenager (at least, I hope it was a teenager) about a local horse rescue farm, and how they saved the horses from the local meat markets (where they would be sold to the French, who apparently have a thing for tough meat that whinnies when it's done). The main thing I got out of it is that Americans think of horses as pets, and Americans don't like eating their pets. I'm okay with this up to a point - I don't think cat meat is ever going to be a big seller with the gourmet crowd (in this country) - but I think it's a little silly.
(Bob thinks it's a lot more silly.)
People have pet cows and pigs - Why don't we mind eating pigs and cows? Is it somehow immoral to eat something that has a name, but okay if it doesn't? But still - I've read countless reminiscences by people trying to pass off their drug-hazed memories of childhood as "autobiographies" full of stories about the day they ate Flossie, and how traumatic it was at the time, but now they've realized it's all part of the circle of life.
Nobody ever writes something like that about their cat.
So, I guess cows and pigs and goats and sheep, no matter how cute, are meat pets. Dogs and cats and chinchillas are fur pets, so why shouldn't cows and pigs et. al., be meat pets?
Mmm, meat pets.
Since most people find it bothersome to do the actual butchering of innocent farm animals themselves (what, you thought they got into those neat little styrofoam packages unassisted?), I thought I'd cut out the gruesome bits and market a pet that can be fried up without shame at the end of the day.
Meat Pets[tm]! Fun for all the family!
(I'm thinking pork chop-sized Beanie like things, but instead of fuzzy fabric, they'll be made of ecologically sound, biodegradable ground beef.)
(I claim "ecologically sound" because by being ground up into easily digestible form, they're no longer putting out methane. Greenhouse gasses are a killer, you know.)
...mind you, eventually they're going to get pretty fuzzy anyway, so those of you that *insist* on fuzzy toys will just have to buy one and wait a bit.
The first five will be limited edition, confined to as many as I can make out of 7 pounds of ground round. This will ensure their collectability, and I won't be out too much money if this business venture fails miserably like every other thing I've tried to sell (who knew there wasn't a market for exploding gum balls? [Now with shrapnel!]).
Haven't you always wanted a pet you can squeeze, but don't have to feed or clean up after (much)? Cuter than a Cabbage Patch doll, less work than a Tamagotchi, and cheaper than a first edition Beanie Baby - meet the new family of Meat Pets[tm] !
Porky the Panda - cutest of the bunch, Porky likes nibbling on bamboo shoots and drying up to a slightly crisp consistency when left out on the counter too long. Recommended wine: A bottle of merlot big enough to need a handle.
E Coli the Elephant - E never forgets that he's your loyal friend. He likes to sleep on your pillow at night, but watch out for his slight oozing problem! Recommended antibiotic: Broad spectrum for staph-resistant bacteria.
Meatloaf the Moose - the largest of the set, "Meaty" is completely poseable, and can be smooshed into any shape desired. He likes to play "hamburger", but keep him out of the frying pan! Recommended cooking oil: High-temperature soybean.
Lumpy the Llama - Lumpy is spiced with delicate South American herbs, adding exotic flavour and smell to any toy box! Lumpy also comes in a special one-L edition, made completely of vegan-safe tofu. Recommended attitude: One hand clapping leaves one hand free for other things.
Sausage the Snake - Sausage is always obliging, and can be displayed anywhere in the room, thanks to his slightly moist consistency that allows him to adhere to almost any surface. He's a fun-loving pet, and can easily absorb small objects like marbles, toy soldiers, and little Bobby's hamster for that authentic "snake eating small helpless animals" experience. Recommended emetic: Syrup of Ipecac, on ice.
Meat Pets[tm]! Buy them all! Buy lots! And don't forget to buy the special Meat Pets[tm]! super-concentrated air freshener!
Meat Pets[tm] are not available in California, Rhode Island, and basically anywhere near children. MeatPets Inc. (a subsidiary of Beelzebub LLC) does not take responsibility for any cases of death, dismemberment, or nausea associated with use of this product.
For those of you who want to get more creative, MeatPets Inc. (a subsidiary of Prince of Darkness Industries) also comes in a do-it-yourself canister:
Potted Meat Pet Food Product[tm]!. Yum!
Text and images copyright L. Mellin, 2000-2008, except where noted. All rights reserved.