All you need is Love (and all you'll get is chocolate)2/11/04
What you're still here? Not out buying up every heart-shaped thing in sight in anticipation of "the only holiday devoted exclusively to LOVE"?
At least, that's what the ad for some jewelry store called it on the radio today. They also suggested that if it was your first Valentine's day with your new love, you should really be thinking about buying that three-carat diamond engagement ring already.
...no sense of proportion or propriety, either.
But don't fret! If she's not that "special one", you can always get her some diamond earrings instead. Because, hey, nothing says "I kind of like you, but I don't see this relationship really going anywhere" like a pair of diamond studs, eh?
No wonder guys break up their relationships right before Valentine's day - think of all the money you'll save. I mean, there's flowers ($50), and dinner ($100), and jewelry ($299-5000, depending on a number of complicated girl equations that you will never, ever fathom, but will trip you up when you least expect it), and maybe a movie ($20) or a show ($80-500), and then you have to have champagne ($30, unless you buy the $6 bottle of Andre, but you're not fooling anyone), and more roses for the rose petal-strewn bed ($50), and then you pull out the mink-lined handcuffs ($60) and the leather garter belt ($70), and then you have to pay for her cab ride home because she's not staying here another minute, you pervert ($40).
It gets expensive, especially if your girlfriend's been reading girly magazines and watching TV for the month and a half leading up to Valentine's day - the massive advertising push for material symbols to commemorate a day devoted to something that is essentially free have been pummelling her brain, and now she's expecting nothing less than the moon, because Marcie in Accounting got a five-carat ring last year, and there's no way that bitch is going to lord it over everyone for another year, so if you don't come through with something amazing, she'll pout and be mad at you. There's no way guys can win this one, so it's not really surprising that so many of them opt out at the last minute.
Actually, the perfect Christmas gift for the girl you love might be a total sensory deprivation tank - you can let her out sometime in March.
And really, the distaff sex have just as difficult a time with Valentine's day - single women particularly go completely nuts in February. You would, too, if everything around you screamed "If you're not with someone, you're a LOSER" so loudly that you basically felt you had no choice but to go out and have a large scarlet "L" tattooed on your forehead because you aren't lucky enough to be attached to a guy who ignores you and puts you down all year, then goes out and buys you a cheap stale box of chocolates on Valentine's day (most of which he eats himself, leaving the icky ones for you) and expects revoltingly peverted sexual favours in return.
*ahem* Sorry, flashback.
Anyway, for those of you who feel that being with any man at all is more appealing than being alone with that cheap box of chocolates on February 14th, I heard the perfect solution on the radio this morning: "How to Find Your Perfect Mate in Six Weeks", written by a woman whose name I didn't catch, but who seemed pretty convinced that you could get a man if you followed her simple rules.
Actually, I believe her. You can find a man in no time flat, and if your definition of "perfect" means "breathing", then you're set.
Okay. Since we don't have six weeks until Vday, we're going to compress the course down to six hours (all the methods sound like they'll work with just one evening spent in a bar). Ready? Here we go:
1. Change your attitude - stop worrying about what men think of you.
Go to bar. Sit at bar. Throw cocktail cherries at men who piss you off. Tell guy who tries cheesy pickup line with you that your sign is "no solicitors". Flirt with bartender. See how many drinks you can get men to buy for you. Do not feel guilty about, sorry for, or obligated to anyone just because they bought you a drink. Dance better than your partner. Kick him if he steps on your toes.
2. Dress to show off your curves - men like to see curves. Dress colourfully; men like bright colours.
I thought we didn't care what men thought! Now we have to dress the way they want us to? Okay, okay, we'll do it. Go through closet. Pick out anything skintight - sequins, glitter, and lame' are a plus. Try every possible outfit combination until you find one that screams "trailer trash/mob boss's girlfriend". Put on lots of makeup. Make sure your hair is long and fluffy - tease if necessary. If hair is short, go to Frederick's of Hollywood and buy the longest curly wig they have in blonde or auburn. Don't forget the high heels!
3. If you see a cute guy walking down the street, he might be your soul-mate. Introduce yourself to every cute guy you meet.
(I wonder how many women met Ted Bundy this way.) *Smack* Ow! Okay, I'll do it! Stop hitting me! Go to bar. walk around bar, checking out cute guys. Give your phone number to every guy that looks remotely cute. Introduce yourself to guy. Introduce yourself to his girlfriend. Offer to jello-wrestle for cute guy. Blow off less-than-cute guys by saying "you could never be my soul mate, you're not cute/tall/thin/rich/etc. enough".
So, in a nutshell: Dress like a slut, give your phone number to everyone, and don't worry if men think you're cheap.
According to the author, you should have your pick of men at this point, so take a moment to decide who you want to go home with. Don't feel restricted to just one man - two guys means more Valentine's gifts!
Sounds good to me. The "Perfect Mate in Six Weeks" woman and the guy who thinks buying an engagement ring for his first Valentine with his girlfriend is a good idea should get together - it's a relationship that will burn with the brightest flame and last through the ages...
Or at least, until the mink-lined cuffs come off.
Text and images copyright L. Mellin, 2000-2008, except where noted. All rights reserved.